A Writer’s Notebook

Don’t worry about failures, worry about the chances you miss when you don’t even try.

— Jack Canfield.

I woke up today and decided to write a blog. I grabbed a cup of coffee and I jumped two feet into the world of blogging. What joy there is to be able to write my personal thoughts and feelings for others to read and have. Stop. Just writing that sentence puts a pit of fear in my stomach that wraps around me like a vice. It grabs hold of me, squeezes, and makes me dizzy. For me there is a real deep fear for doing something so vulnerable. Truth be told, I’ve been thinking of starting a blog for years. I’ve written many blogs. And they are all saved on my computer for my eyes only. One of my earliest entries is from 2012. What’s stopping me from pushing the publish button? Fear. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of failure. Fear of what happens next. I don’t even know what “next” means, but I am afraid of it. It’s debilitating. It’s debilitating in the sense that it holds me back from being complete. From doing things I want to do. From things that could lead to great happiness. From things that I was meant to do. Blogging is just one example of the many things I have said no to and should have said yes to.

If you knew me or spent any time with me, you would probably say none of this is true. You would see someone that is all hands-on deck in every aspect of teaching. My head spins thinking of all the incredible tentacles of teaching that I am involved, and I love every second of it. In other words, this fear I live with doesn’t ruin my life. It isn’t a fear that keeps me from being an outgoing, talk to or help anyone, presenter of professional development kind of person. It lives in a small corner of my mind and it holds me back from being complete. It’s a nagging voice that says, “I’m not good enough,” or “Really? Are you sure you’re capable of that?” Those words stop me from being vulnerable, trying things outside my comfort zone, and from leading a more purpose driven life. This fear is annoying and very real for me. My body goes into panic mode. The only way to shut it down, is to shut it down. To say no.

Writing a blog there is immense vulnerability for me. Sharing my personal experiences and speaking from my heart is fragile. Writing opens a part of me that I have hidden very well my entire life. It gives others a look into my life, my thoughts, and my feelings. You may be asking why then? If I feel all these things, then why write a blog? Great questions! I wish I knew, but I’m being tugged to do so. It keeps coming back again and again. This little voice that says write a blog is at war with the voice that says absolutely not. Welcome to my mind.:) So today, with the help of some really amazing friends, I tell the voice in my head, I am enough, and I capable of doing this. I am louder than this voice that screams, “Don’t do it!”

About the Writer’s Notebook Blog

I want this blog to serve two purposes. One for myself and the second for readers. For me, it’s my writer’s notebook, a place to capture all the swirling ideas and thoughts in my mind, organize them, and give them meaning. For others, I hope it encourages you to begin to write too, and hopefully some of my posts will resonant with you and help you along the way.

So, here goes nothing. Here’s to not missing my chance to live the life I was intended to. Here’s to being louder and stronger than fear.